8. You can not live life for your child, you can not identify with him until complete merger. No matter how close you are, you have your own life, he has his own.
Usually this error is peculiar to moms. And its characteristic symptom is the use of the pronoun “we.” “We need to prepare for the Olympiad,” “we also pass exams.” When I hear this, I always ask: “Wait, is this for you? Here to you personally? “” No, they answer, but here we are … with him. “
This is bad not only because it is a hyper-care, that the child does not get used to independence. It is also bad because it gives the child a fundamentally wrong idea about the distribution of roles in the family, about how mothers, fathers and children differ from each other. And this child will carry this false idea into his adult life, will try to build his family in accordance with it.
Proper distribution of family roles is when parents help a child to organize his activities (the same exam preparation, for example) create the necessary conditions for this – but do not study with the child and do not sit above his soul, watching his every action. And the main thing: the child must see that the meaning of the life of the parents is not only in him, dear and beloved, that they have their work, relationships with each other, and their interests, hobbies, communication with friends, care for elderly relatives, and etc. The child in no case should perceive itself as the center of the universe.
Adolescents, by the way, have such a method (sometimes used unconsciously, and sometimes consciously): they very skillfully deduce an adult from himself, and when he loses control of himself, he starts yelling, insulting – adolescents are internally released: aha, what is he like? I knew that he was so! And that means that I have the moral right to spit on all his troubles!
Of course, it is easy to say: keep control of yourself, but it is very difficult to do it, and, probably, none of us can always be kept. But, if I did not restrain myself, I have spoken too much, I definitely need to apologize.
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